Mortifying Moments

I was in my car today, driving past all the packed bars, filled with St. Paddy’s celebrations, and it got me thinking. First, I thought about wanting a beer. But a) I was on my way to my volunteer gig with animals. And b) no thank you for amateur day shenanigans. I’m a pretty loud fucking drunk (you’ve probably heard me from wherever you are, at some point), but I’m not big on crowds or fighting my way through a bunch of idiots who take advantage of the holy grail of extreme intoxication by drinking their weight plus some, in order to get my grabby hands on an overpriced beer. Only to attempt it again five minutes later.

Then I thought about the phrase, “Kiss me. I’m Irish.” And then I thought about how when I was in 8th grade, someone came to our school to talk about how bad smoking was for you and they gave us stickers that said, “Kiss me. I don’t smoke,” with an insufferable frog with pink puckered lips who was in desperate need of a punch in its smug face.

You can be goddamned sure that I, in full hideous holier-than-thoughness, slapped one of those bad boys on the lapel of my school uniform and walked around going, “No, seriously. Kiss me. I don’t smoke.”

Let’s back up a step. For starters, I was really cool. I mean, woof, I pretty much set the bar for everything every girl wanted to be. I probably still had my braces for the second time (yes, you read that correctly), 90s big-ass coke bottle glasses, and was deep in the depths of self-hate and all things awkward. And I was super popular, natch. Aside from tackling boys on the playground in preschool through about 2nd grade and kissing them, there was no one lining up to lay one on this girl. And just for the record, the ones on the playground weren’t either.

Fast forward to… I know. I was there.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day. Here’s a photo of the tractor I was perched on while writing this and waiting for two stubborn donkeys to stop eating a pile of food thrown on the ground that wasn’t theirs. It’s green. See? I’m celebrating.

(And here’s a pic of the stubborn donkeys, in case you thought I was making this shit up.)

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