Please. Feel free to talk.

Questionnaire for Potential Ticket Holders in Row J, seats 1 and 3 – for shows that are on the more subtle side (a.k.a. Dionne Warwick/Suzanne Vegas, you know, NOT rock and roll shows where it’s expected that you’ll act like a drunk idiot):

1) Are you a housewife out on the town for the first time ALL year?

2) Did you drink the majority of a bottle of wine at dinner before the show?

3) When your favorite song (most are, apparently) comes on, will you go wild and crazy and throttle your sober husband in an orgiastic frenzy?

In Addition:

4) Do you promise to talk during every. single. song?

5) Especially the songs that are very quiet?

6) Then, do you promise to get belligerent when someone points out that you are yelling during said song?

7) When you’re leaving the theatre at the end of the show, on the way down the stairs, do you promise to slur, “Well, I hope it’s quiet enough for you now!”

8) When the situation is carefully explained to you, do you promise to threaten job loss? (As in: “I hope you have a job next week!” “Really? Are you going to have something to do with that? Let’s go talk to my boss right now.” And then will you run away?)

9) (Different person, but guilty of questions 1-5) When the star limps off of the stage at the end of the show, do you promise to yell, “Encore!” over and over again even as people are filing out of the theatre? And then, when your husband (who dozed off during the show, btw) gently says, “Honey, I think she’s done for the night,” do you promise to snap back, “Oh, she can come back out for one more!”

Less Important and entirely different, but these ones certainly count:

10) Are you on a first date?

11) If so, do you promise to get to know each other by shouting back and forth during the songs?

12) And then, because the woman doesn’t know the band, but I happen to, do you promise to try and bond with me when I jump up from the lighting board to dance? (No, thanks, I don’t want to high five you.)

If you answered yes to at least 3 of these questions, press “Buy Tickets,” pronto.

If you answered yes to questions 1-9, you should hope I never see you again. But if I do, I hope it’s when the staff is out to dinner and you and your entire family are stuck in the doorway right next to our table. That way, I can yell, “Look! It’s that drunk lady from that show!” Oh wait, that already happened.

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